In our home, my wife is the good cop and I’m the bad cop. We naturally fell into these roles because of our personalities and it seems to work well for us. Of course, I can be nice, too. But there’s nothing like having the power to shut down my kids quickly when I need to.
I’m not a mean guy. In fact, most people would call me quiet, reticent. Low-key. Get a few drinks in me and I start talking (not around the kids, of course). I am mysterious, an enigma.
Personally, I feel the most effective way to keep an “edge” on discipline is to keep your children wondering about you. “Is dad angry or not?” Sometimes I am, sometimes I’m just amused. Sometimes I lay down the law, sometimes I give them some slack.
I’m not talking about changing the rules. Bad behavior is still bad behavior. But my reaction to my kids’ disappointing deportment can range from mild chiding to a drill sergeant yell. The kids never know when I’ll escalate to a yell (”the bark” as I like to call it) so they tend to hedge their bets and curtail their conduct when I make my presence known.
Maybe you can tell by now that I enjoy scaring my kids.
My dad used to do the same thing to me. Most of the time, he was a nice guy. Most of my childhood memories are happy ones. Dad was also Army Sergeant (E6) and had the booming voice (which I inherited) stereotypical of drill sergeants. I KNOW he used to get a kick out of scaring me with his voice - even through high school. I’d fall asleep on the couch watching “Emergency!” while he’d be reading a book and smoking his pipe. When he’d see my eyes dancing to REM state, he’d bark “PAUL!” and I’d spaz, my heart racing like I’d fallen off a cliff. He was also a master of the “look” that informed my sister and I to shape up.
So, for me, discipline must be swift, meaningful, and memorable. It has to catch their attention right away. Make good on your threats. Sometimes, I don’t even give them a warning - suddenly Dad steps in and shuts everything down. Other times, a milder callout is all that’s needed.
Now, if all I did was yell at my kids, whether or not I followed through on discipline, they’d soon start tuning me out. This is why you need to keep them wondering, “is dad going to lose it?” By letting the discipline line run out a little, they can experience a little more fun and misbehave and not feel like I’m going to whack ‘em all the time. This also goes for mistakes - we all have to make them to learn. Hopefully, they begin to take more responsibility for their behavior and watch for cues from my wife and I to know when they cross the line.
Along with the mystery there must be genuine, public displays of love and affection. No mysteries here. Play with your kids, joke with them, share secrets, tell stories. Allow yourself to play the fool, to be wrong, to let them make fun of you. This makes discipline incidents that much more meaningful and hopefully less frequent.
