CreativeDad

If we’re all musicians at some level, how can we participate in music and do so with our children?

“The only important thing these days, is rhythm and melody”

I have to admit a little soft spot for “Heads, Shoulders, Knees, and Toes”.  For several months of my son’s toddler period, I’d stick around and “perform” with he and his buddies in daycare.  No matter how we feel about those simple and repetitive songs, they’re essential to child development.  Language, motor skills, logic and reasoning are all enhanced through music play at an early age.  Sing and dance while you still can - they’re just as good for adults.

Even if your kids are older, get up and move with them.  Teach them your favorite moves.  If your moves are lame, sing.  If your tunes are lame, sing anyway.  Young kids won’t know the difference and even older ones will join you or beg you to stop torturing them.

I think because I’m such a classical music geek, I overlook words and music (I tend to focus on the abstract aspects of music).  My son is enamored with the Flobots song “Handlebars” while my daughter is into making up short, nonsense raps.  In between the meaningful and the nonsensical is the misheard - use websites like KissThisGuy to rediscover your favorite songs with your kids.

Finding common sound

When “The Wiggles” came on the scene, we picked up one of their first DVD’s.  I can’t remember the tune, but I still remember thinking that the accompanying video was akin to a psychotic episode (or what I’ve imagined as a psychotic event - something to do with puppets).  Despite my differing appreciation of the music, I still enjoyed viewing it multiple times with my kids.

There’s no reason why you HAVE to use classic or popular children’s songs.  It’s easier because  they learn them at daycare and playgroups.  Why not use the music you love?

A song like Three Dog Night’s “Joy To The World” is easy to integrate into playing with your kids.  Any well known pop tune can be used at any age.  As I related in Part 1 of this post, I’ve chosen a wide range of music for my son’s MP3 player but it’s all listenable and popular not matter what the genre.  How about Johnny Cash’s “Ring of Fire” or Blood, Sweat, and Tears “And When I Die”?  As a kid, I used to dance around the house to my sister’s 45 of “And When I Die”.  Funny thing, my son now loves that song, too.

What is beauty?

Civilizations and philosophers have devoted vast libraries of thought to this question.  Now you can join the discussion of aesthetics by asking your kid, “Why do you like (or not like) this music?”  Their answers, and your own, will be deceptively deep and serendipitous.  This is one of those questions where the specific reasons don’t matter.  It’s a point of departure instead of a destination.

A warning - this kind of discussion can quickly reach a dead-end.

“Why do you like this song?”

“Because it sounds cool”

“Why does it sound cool?”

“I don’t know, it just does.”

Avoid this by first gathering your own thoughts on why you like a song or some piece of music.  Then use them to guide your child’s exploration.

A better way to discuss music and aesthetics is with puzzles.  The classic here is “If you were stranded on a deserted island, what music would you want to have?”  There are several variations but the limiting nature of the question is what counts.  Another question could be “If you could only communicate [thought, feeling, concept] by music, what would that music sound like?”

Where do you listen?

For active exploration, we use Rhapsody - I consider this as important as a having a library card.  With a few exceptions, you can usually find what you want on a subscription service.  Outside of that, I use Songza.  Songza is a free service that actually indexes songs embedded in YouTube videos.  This is great for those exceptions like The Beatles and Led Zeppelin which you can’t find on Rhapsody (and I assume any subscription service).

For passive listening, I use Live365 streaming radio.  Most of their stations are free but I also subscribe for the better quality sound and offerings.  Lately, I mostly listen to Pandora - this is a neat (and totally free) service which will play selections based on the abstract qualities of the specific music you request.  I can set up a “radio station” for Beethoven and Pandora will start playing selections from Beethoven and his contemporaries.  If I put in a specific song, it will play that song and similar songs based on tempo, instrumentation, harmony - sorry if it sounds dry but I love the way it works.  Pandora does have limitations but I find it a good fit for my listening tastes.

I haven’t used Last.fm yet but this would be another service to use to explore music you like.  Rather than using external criteria, Last.fm uses the “wisdom of the masses” to recommend music similar to the music your request or which Last.fm sees you listening to.

However you approach it, actively listening to music with your kids is a wonderful way to spend time with them.

My son recently decided to play cello and I couldn’t be happier about it. My memories of learning violin as a 5th grader (Max is in 4th) are of a lot of pain but also a lot of fun and camaraderie.  Feeling like a geek because I was in “orchestra” rather than with the kool kids in band.  I had plenty of company though (like my son) and still play to this day.

A little (personal) music history

By the time I got to college, I’d done so many gigs that I didn’t bother inviting friends or family anymore.  The same goes for my own family now - gigs are mostly work and not talent showcases for myself.  How often do you invite your family to see you work?

Performing at church has been a little different - I’ve been able to branch out more into singing and I “fill in” on electric bass in the church band.  Because of the “new talent” I can exhibit, I care a little more that my family and friends see me.  Why should anyone care about seeing me play the violin ? [notice I don't say fiddle - that's a talent I haven't developed.]

My son’s (short) musical history

I was surprised when my son decided to play cello.  And, for whatever reason, two of Max’s buddies joined him in learning the cello.  Sorry, I just can’t picture some kids playing cello.  Including my son! He’s never really given me any idea that he was interested.  I don’t take him to be a natural musician (was I?) because, like his mother, he can’t carry a tune.  I don’t feel like I’ve been a noticeable influence in his decision.

Now we’re all musicians

More than occasionally, my family will listen to classical music, my favorite genre, with me.  My wife listens to popular music so they hear that, too.  We subscribe to Rhapsody and I keep Max’s MP3 player loaded with interesting music - classic rock, some R&B and hip-hop, kid’s music.  In other words, I figure they’ll “pick it up” just like I did as a kid.

I have more confidence that my daughter will follow music or art more intently.  That’s a total guess though - playing with a microphone stand and performing for imaginary friends is probably not a strong indicator of musical talent.  Molly does carry a tune a little better than Max and Mom.

I would love it if my kids became ardent musicians but I won’t force them.  I’d rather have them discover the joys of music on their own and provide opportunities and guidance at appropriate times.  The least I could expect from them or anyone is to appreciate the power of music in our lives.  The “musician in all of us” is the part of us that appreciates music. Any kind of music.

CreativeDad on the bass

So why the picture of me playing electric bass?  Pure vanity.

However, notice the white duct tape on my fingers - WIMPY.  Our church band performed The Who’s “The Seeker” and Entwhistle’s bass lines are a little more complex than oompahs.  I’m not a “real” bass player so, after a three-hour rehearsal on the previous day, my fingers were borderline blistering.  The tape allowed me to survive the service fingers intact.

Do I look familiar?

Robin:  Holy Humongous Hand!! - where’s Batman when I need him!?!?

CreativeDad:  Your childish costume and props won’t save you now!  Prepare to be torched!

Robin:  Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaeeeeeeeeeeeeiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii!!!!!!!!!!!

I can’t remember when I thought about torching Robin AND videotaping it but my son and I did this several times last summer.  Maybe I was thinking about magnifying glasses and ants and wanted to step it up a notch.

Destroying or deconstructing toys and other objects is an essential childhood pastime.  Beyond the physical and mental kick of whacking something to pieces, taking things apart can be an educational experience (some more than others.)

I’ll admit torching is a little extreme but I was able to teach my son about avoiding toxic fumes from burning plastic, not touching melted plastic, and the hottest part of a MAPP torch flame (the inner cone).  Of course, the best lesson I could give is DON”T PLAY WITH FIRE but that would require me to burn myself or burn down our house.  I believe, though - like Gever Tully - that kids should be allowed to do “dangerous things”.  [In the following video, my son is "playing with fire" at 3:15]

Busting things with your kids is also a good bonding experience.  Showing them the right way to break glass, use a box knife, or kick a hole in drywall not only tells them that you know your stuff but that you can get down with them when they just wanna break s*t.

Not everyone has to burn their toys in a bonfire - there are plenty of other educational ways to DESTROY and DECONSTRUCT.

Tools

A MAPP torch is a tool much like a hammer - single-purpose and crude when compared to others tools like screwdrivers and pliers.  But all tools can be used to take things apart.  Around your house, you can find, not only toys, but appliances and electronics that are just begging to be disassembled and have one last moment as an engineering puzzle for you and your child.  The lessons here are multiple - how to use tools, the inner workings of everyday items, what happens after we throw stuff in the trash, recycling.

Despite my sarcasm, I do believe in safety when allowing your kids to use tools.  At a minimum, eye protection should be used.  I purchased something like these for my kids - they may be hard to find at your local hardware store.  Ear protection is next on the list.  I’ve never seen good work gloves for kids but we probably wouldn’t use them much anyway.

Appropriate use of tools is important, too.  Small tools for small hands.  It’s easy for screwdrivers to slip and puncture so take time to teach kids the best ways to use them - keep arms and hands away from the tips.

If you want your children to understand how to use tools, you have to be prepared to let them injure themselves.  That’s part of what Tully talks about in above video - I have my own ideas on this that I’ll post separately.

As far as what to take apart - I like printers, especially larger office printers and copiers.  Lots of screws, gears, mirrors, high-voltage power supplies.  Just a little more interesting than your average clock radio.

Experiments

Instead of using tools for deconstruction, the potential victims of violence can be subjected to experimentation.  Can the item survive being dropped, thrown, run over, or (again) burned?  A classic example is the science camp experiment involving building a egg-carrying container and dropping from a decent height.  Building something and destroying it is a recurring theme in all children’s play.  What happens when you run over a Barbie with a bike (avoid using the car unless your kids are older)?  What happens to different fruits and veggies when they’re frozen, boiled, or fried?  FYI, I’ll let my kids experiment on insects and plants but draw the line on any higher forms of life.

Adults and children are universally drawn to fire - if you’re going to use it in your “experiments”, take the proper safety precautions.  Only use it in situations where you can control it and keep a fire extinguisher or bucket of water close by for extra safety.  Think ahead about possible outcomes.  DO NOT burn or heat pressurized containers.

Scissors and Knives

Moving into gentler forms of destruction (knives?), my daughter loves to cut up bits of paper with scissors.  Magazines offer the best material for cutting at young ages.  Deconstruct and reconstruct into puzzles.

As children mature, knives - especially the pocket variety - may be irresistible for some.  Like ignorance about knot-tying, most adults are ignorant about using knives.  Before letting your children use knives, it behooves us to educate ourselves.  Look up “how to use a knife” on Google and then PRACTICE before letting your kids use them.  Another good chance to bond.

Like any tool, there are different types of knives depending on the situation.  You wouldn’t use a box cutter to eat a steak so why use a steak knife to cut boxes?  Try to instill some common sense in your kids and yourself about using proper tools - if they are available.

I can’t let a discussion of knives go by with mentioning THROWING KNIVES - borderline destructive in my book but definitely dangerous.  Throwing screwdrivers into the grass is as far as I got as a kid and I introduced that to my son just recently (screwdrivers, not knives.)

Reading backwards and destroying stories

Yeah, I read backwards to my daughter (4) and it takes awhile for her to notice.  I usually do this when I’ve read the book to her every night for three weeks straight.  I’ll skip pages, change words, throw in some “poopy talk” just for variety.  OMG, they love the “poopy talk”.

Of course, kids can destroy or deconstruct stories, too.  As writing or reading “exercises” have your kids change their favorite stories around.  Make up your own MadLibs.  Learn how to talk backwards (phonetically) and teach your kids how to record secret messages on the computer.

Destroying language can be a constructive experience.

Defacing

I had to throw this in because it was a favorite of mine growing up.  Women’s magazines are the best for this activity.  Looks for pages with pictures of people and use an eraser to remove eyes, noses, mouths, etc.  Then redraw the features in the blank spaces.  For reusability, place clear packaging tape on the pages and use markers.  My kids and I have a blast doing this.

Destruction holds the seeds of growth.  By redirecting a child’s natural desire break s*t, everyone can have fun and learn at the same time.  If you have any other destruction/deconstruction tips, please start a conversation here.

In the U.S., we’re conditioned to believe that public or private schools are the only viable option for educating our children. After all, two-income families are the norm rather than the exception today. How could anyone consider homeschooling their children when there’s no one home to teach them?

However, many families do opt to homeschool for more reasons than we’d think. Terrie Lynn Bittner, author of Homeschooling: Take A Deep Breath - You Can Do This!, gives some insight to this in her opening chapter. Finding that her gifted and learning disabled child was struggling with public school, she eventually turned to homeschooling (through her school district homeschooling program) to educate her daughter. Bittner’s deatils her own battles with fears of inadequacy and ADHD but eventually finds that homeschooling is more than books and lesson plans. Like the rest of the book, she provides a pragmatic but upbeat account of what it takes to homeschool your children.

The format of the book consists of 28 relatively short chapters with a glossary of homeschooling terms. Additional book and internet references are provided at the end of each chapter. Her easy-going and personal writing style does much to comfort the prospective homeschooler - her primary audience.

The early chapters of the book are devoted to convincing the reader and how to convince their family and friends that homeschooling is a feasible education option. Bittner then goes on to describe practical matters such as observing your local laws, organization and record-keeping, and supplies.  There is one chapter on “methods” - a vast subject itself in homeschooling - and reading, writing, math, science, and history are all treated in separate chapters. Special-needs children, writing your own or buying a curriculum, measuring success are addressed as well. Throughout, Bittner does a good job of covering the many different variations of and questions about homeschooling.

I particularly liked the short chapter on part-time or afterschool homeschooling.  Homeschooling is usually thought of as an all-or-nothing approach - Bittner shows that it can be used to supplement traditional schooling.

I read this book primarily to research homeschooling as a market for an education business I am planning. My business has much in common with homeschooling approaches in experiential and open-ended learning methods. While reading, I was reminded of my own experiences growing up and with my children in quality learning outside of public schools.

This book is an essential resource for the prospective and beginning homeschooler. With much practical advice AND emotional support, I imagine I’d see a dog-eared copy in any homeschooler’s home.

It’s not easy being creative - sometimes off-the-shelf just doesn’t cut it.

When we were expecting my daughter to come into the world, we decided to move Max into the room next door. Molly would take over his (then) current room. I looked at the move as an opportunity to exercise my creativity.

Within a day, I had a basic plan for a loft bed with a climbing wall and secret room. I often use a CAD program to map out my ideas but I seem to remember this one was done on graph paper instead. Perhaps this was because exact measurements and details weren’t required for a final product. I missed a few things by going by instinct but the final result has been the envy of Max’s friends.

In three installments, I’ll describe how I built this bed - the design considerations, building techniques, and finishing.

1. Pick a space in the room

Where you build the playscape depends on the shape of the room, location of air and electricty, windows and doors, and lighting. It should be easy to visualize the spot - even if it is just a corner of a room. In my son’s room, only one wall had enough free space to hold the loft. This was is probably larger than what most people will be able to fit into a room.

One simple option for space is to build where the bed would normally be located. One wall (along with one or two additional support poles) is enough to start. Something in the middle of the room could work as well but most people will not have that much space to work with. The advantage of “lifting the bed” is you gain some space for playing, for a desk, or storage underneath.

2. Electrical and mechanical considerations

In choosing the space, note the location of heating/cooling ducts, electrical outlets, ceiling features like lighting and ceiling fans. It is simpler to leave these items undisturbed. If you’re comfortable with relocating or reworking these things, have at it.

In my son’s room, I had to relocate the ceiling fan off-center to avoid head gashes and hanging kids. I added additional indirect lighting and installed an electrical outlet in the ceiling.

I didn’t plan adequately enough for the electrical so we’ve had to resort to some extension cords and power strips to provide power on the loft level. I know I could still install some additional outlets higher on the wall but I haven’t bothered yet. Better to plan ahead on this. This will probably not be a problem for simpler structures.

The heating/cooling duct in our loft was extended using some flexible ducting and a couple of duct fixtures. The enclosure built around the duct thus became seating underneath the loft. You can also see an example of my poor planning for this electrical outlet. Certainly NOT CODE!

3. Design some features

If replacing a bed, the loft will need to be at least as large as the mattress. A regular twin mattress is about 40″ by 72″. If your child is younger than 10 or 11, you need something to keep them from rolling off onto the floor. With our loft, I didn’t bother with a bed rail - we purchased an aftermarket rail instead. He’s only fallen off once since we removed the bed rail and, although the bed was moved further back from the edge, it was still in close to the edge on one end.  The fall scared him more than anything else.

The height above the floor is about 42″. I arrived at this number by considering my own comfort in playing underneath the loft, my son’s height at the time, and what looked like a survivable fall. I haven’t looked into any building or safety codes to see if there is a standard height rule because I doubt that such a thing exists for children’s furniture - I’m probably wrong. Obviously, this is an important consideration. I would be more reluctant to built the loft if the room was not carpeted.

Climbing walls, ladders, and stairs

What kind of look or feel are you going for? I imagined a tree or bricks painted on the climbing wall so I used holes in a plywood sheet. By the time I “finished” this project, I didn’t feel like painting anymore. Either way, it was a simple solution. The only downside I see to a traditional ladder is durability since there are more parts and joints that need to stand up to kids.

In my opinion, stairs are wasted space.  However, they make it easier to carry items to and from the upper level.  I’m going to have to install a rope-pulley-basket system for my daughter’s bed because it has a ladder rather than stairs.

Slides

In both my kids beds, I’ve wanted to have some sort of slide. However, they take up A LOT of room. That is, unless you want something steeper than 45 degrees. Then they’re not doing much better than jumping off the loft. Even 45 degrees is steep - 30 degrees is better. Using the 3-4-5 rule, a slide 3-feet high at the apex will extend 4-feet into the room (the sliding area will be 5-feet long.) This would give us a 30-degree slide but, at 3.5 feet height (42″ as above), it would extend close to 5-feet into the room. That’s almost half the length or width of a typical suburban kid’s bedroom.

Sliding poles

Great idea but consider the implementation. It will need to withstand kids slamming themselves onto it and sliding down (or climbing up). You’re welcome to calculate the forces involved in that kind of activity but figure on the pole being fairly stout and heavily secured to the floor and ceiling. Materials are another issue - metal or framing stud sheathed in a schedule-40 PVC pipe? Off the top of my head, there are metal foundation supports that might work for a metal pole.  With the adjustable jack screw on the bottom, they might be ideal for this application.  However you accomplish this, I’m fairly sure you’ll need to reinforce the framing in the ceiling as well as the floor.

Zip lines

Another fun idea but impractical in most situations. A zip-line will require more room than a slide. And like a sliding pole, kids will be arriving at their destination with drywall-busting force. Last year, my son campaigned for one but he soon realized that there wasn’t any room for it.

Hammock

This is simple and a lot of fun.  A hammock may also solve some space issues since it takes up less room than a mattress.  A small hammock will only need about 8 feet between supports and can be taken down during play.

Secret rooms, doors, and hatches

Underneath this loft are two rooms.  One large enough to allow an adult to lay down, the other is 3′ by 3′ and was/is intended to be a secret room.  I left space in the interior wall to hold an electronics panel that I may still build.  The door to the secret room also has a fisheye peep hole just like a hotel room.

If you have the space, a cubby or secret hideaway is almost essential.

I worried about a few things with the hatches and doors.  The hatches are not attached so it is possible for them to fall through the hole at the right angle and whack somebody.  For the doors, just thinking about how kids slam them makes me anxious.  Fingers could easily get caught.  Luckily, in the few years that this has been played on, fingers and heads have not been harmed.

Doors can be a challenge to install.  Using simple utility hinges, I still had to route a recess in the framing for clean mounting.  Floor clearance was a dicey, too, but the friction keeps the doors from swinging freely - making it less likely that fingers will be smashed.

Storage

Bookshelves, cabinets with doors and drawers, chests, secret compartments, etc.

Fantasy design

In both bed systems that I’ve made, I avoided any specific fantasy elements.  I prefer to let the kids use their imagination over installing permanent features like minarets or picket fences.  They can always tape things on afterwards.  Another advantage is that I might be able to get a couple more years of use before they get torn down or disassembled.

Favorite Activities (that I’ve observed)

Jumping off from various heights.  Using a rope to scale the climbing wall.  Three kids sleeping in the “large” room during sleepovers.  Chasing each other through the hatches and over the climbing wall. Playing “basketball” with the large, round window at the top of the wall.

Jumping and rope play are, by far, the most popular and the most dangerous.  We haven’t had any problems but there’s always a chance that someone will get hurt.

In the next installment, I’ll talk about the simple building techniques I used to install this loft into my son’s room.

On Easter day, my son and I skipped church and went snowboarding.  This season he’s shed the training wheels (it would be nice if ‘boards actually had them) and has begun to shred.  It’s been a lot of fun letting him lead.

On one run, while he was ahead of me, I treated myself to a little trip into the trees.  My last trip into the trees.  I fell and slid into one just fast enough to fracture my tibia.  Along with the staple and screws for an ACL repair (10 years earlier), I now have a plate and six more screws in my left leg.  I still plan on at least one more season - but no more trees.

I went from being able to run, wrestle, and swim with my kids to laying on the couch, hobbling on crutches, and sitting in chairs.  Physical play was out for at least six weeks unless it was a game of Red Hands.  Now I had a legit excuse for NOT playing with my kids.

Personally, I like a fair amount of solitude in my life.  There are lots of times when I’d rather do my own thing than play with my kids.  But with this recent handicap, it was apparent to me how much I actually missed regular physical interaction with them.

Don’t Play With Me

For parents who don’t play much with their children, a hiatus probably wouldn’t be that big a deal.  Hardly noticed.  Adults have busy, complex inner and outer lives and children can’t always be included.

I’ve seen parents refuse to enter a child’s world out of spite, fear, and pride.  Rather than giving their time and attention to their children, they dole it out grudgingly, it at all.

Am I Playing Enough?

Some would play more but there’s not a whole lot of time for ourselves after work and household chores.  You have a nagging dread that you’re not providing enough time and attention to your kids.  You feel guilty about not playing and wonder about being selfish and career-driven.  Balance is a priority however you can never be sure if you’re striking the right balance.

I Don’t Like My Kids

Then there are the times when we wonder whose kids we’re with.  Why aren’t they more like me?  Where are their manners?  No screaming when you’re having fun!  This is serious, no laughing!

I remember nagging my family about taking care of some chore and I actually said, “We’re going to clean that mess up, no having any fun!”

Especially with older children, who have discovered their independence, we can be surprised and disturbed at some new behaviors.

Play Can Heal

The fact is, we do need to make time for ourselves as adults.  Recharging our batteries is not an empty cliché.  Without some solitude, balance is lost just as easily when we don’t play with our kids at all.  Leave an afternoon or a few hours open on a regular basis.  For me, I try to make sure I’m “present” Sunday afternoons after church.   Play happens at other times as well but that afternoon is a definite block of time when I make sure I’m there for my children.

If you don’t play at all, it can be daunting to get out of an adult mindset and enter the world of children.  Just follow their lead and have fun.  Forget your adult world and your cares and embrace them.

If you don’t like the way your kids play, then play with them more.  Avoiding them will not resolve your issues.  Try to uncover why you don’t like certain behaviors and realize that most behaviors aren’t really that big a deal.  Screaming, while annoying, usually subsides (don’t get me wrong, you have to address it at some level.)  If the behaviors do need changing, then getting more involved in their lives is essential.

If you haven’t been playing because of work, health, or family situations, even a little attention and play go a long way.  Being away from your kids puts a lot of stress on your relationship with them.  Play then becomes a healing act.  Know that is enough to play when you can.

Playing deepens the bond between you and your children. The joy, trust, and security that play can engender is worth the effort.

In our home, my wife is the good cop and I’m the bad cop.  We naturally fell into these roles because of our personalities and it seems to work well for us.  Of course, I can be nice, too. But there’s nothing like having the power to shut down my kids quickly when I need to.

I’m not a mean guy.  In fact, most people would call me quiet, reticent.  Low-key.  Get a few drinks in me and I start talking (not around the kids, of course).  I am mysterious, an enigma.

Personally, I feel the most effective way to keep an “edge” on discipline is to keep your children wondering about you.  “Is dad angry or not?”  Sometimes I am, sometimes I’m just amused.  Sometimes I lay down the law, sometimes I give them some slack.

I’m not talking about changing the rules.  Bad behavior is still bad behavior.  But my reaction to my kids’ disappointing deportment can range from mild chiding to a drill sergeant yell.  The kids never know when I’ll escalate to a yell (”the bark” as I like to call it) so they tend to hedge their bets and curtail their conduct when I make my presence known.

Maybe you can tell by now that I enjoy scaring my kids.

My dad used to do the same thing to me.  Most of the time, he was a nice guy.  Most of my childhood memories are happy ones.  Dad was also Army Sergeant (E6) and had the booming voice (which I inherited) stereotypical of drill sergeants.  I KNOW he used to get a kick out of scaring me with his voice - even through high school.  I’d fall asleep on the couch watching “Emergency!” while he’d be reading a book and smoking his pipe.  When he’d see my eyes dancing to REM state, he’d bark “PAUL!” and I’d spaz, my heart racing like I’d fallen off a cliff.  He was also a master of the “look” that informed my sister and I to shape up.

So, for me, discipline must be swift, meaningful, and memorable.  It has to catch their attention right away.  Make good on your threats.  Sometimes, I don’t even give them a warning - suddenly Dad steps in and shuts everything down.  Other times, a milder callout is all that’s needed.

Now, if all I did was yell at my kids, whether or not I followed through on discipline, they’d soon start tuning me out.  This is why you need to keep them wondering, “is dad going to lose it?”  By letting the discipline line run out a little, they can experience a little more fun and misbehave and not feel like I’m going to whack ‘em all the time.  This also goes for mistakes - we all have to make them to learn.  Hopefully, they begin to take more responsibility for their behavior and watch for cues from my wife and I to know when they cross the line.

Along with the mystery there must be genuine, public displays of love and affection.  No mysteries here.  Play with your kids, joke with them, share secrets, tell stories.  Allow yourself to play the fool, to be wrong, to let them make fun of you.  This makes discipline incidents that much more meaningful and hopefully less frequent.

Like this post at GeekDad, I’ve had conversations with my 9-year-old son about life’s deep questions.  Unlike Matt Blum at GeekDad, we haven’t talked about reality, existence, and perception.

We have talked about life and death and ethics.  The death conversations are particularly poignant. The prospect of losing any family member is heart-wrenching.  Rather than post about what was said - I can’t really remember anyway - I’ll focus on how to discuss difficult questions and issues.  The content is important but the presentation is critical.

“WTF?” is an acceptable answer

When it comes down to it, shrugging your shoulders in a silent “WTF?” gesture works on most things. After awhile your kids will stop asking and rely upon their friends and acquaintances for straight talk on life, death, and, most important of all, sex.  Parents who can say “WTF?” out loud to their kids have probably reached the point where their kids don’t ask too many questions.

Explain things at your level, not theirs

Have you ever tried to discuss metaphysics without quoting Descartes?  “Cogito, ergo sum” - doesn’t get anymore succinct than that. Dumbing down your answers denies your children the benefits of intellectual struggle and confusion. Don’t baby your kids. This is as good as “WTF?” in getting them to stop asking hard questions. Plus, it’s fun making it up as you go along - also called “BS“.

Negativity and cynicism.

Pollyanna needs to chill - the sooner your kids dump their unicorns and Care Bears, the sooner they’ll be living in the real world with real problems. Life is unfair and it’s healthy to complain about it.  Keep your kids healthy.

Younger kids don’t hide their negative feelings to save yours.  Return the favor and they’ll appreciate your honesty later in life.

Tell a story with television

The abstractions of philosophy and metaphysics are difficult to discuss with young minds, so stories are wonderful tools to explain some concepts.  The stories found in children’s television shows can easily answer many of their questions.  Next time they ask, just set them down with their favorite cartoon.

After the big layoff of 2001, I suddenly got the urge to make stuff.  Looking back, the creative spark that had been buried for many years finally got a chance to catch flame.

One of the first things I made was a dump truck bed for my son.  I knew that, if we wanted to keep this after he grew out of it, I’d have to make it with KD or knockdown fasteners.  This was my first KD project and my lack of experience made it a challenge.  I was proud of the wheel pattern that I mapped out with a compass.  This has been borrowed by other friends for their kids.  Too bad I never finished the front end.  FYI, it uses a crib mattress to retain some sense of scale.

The second bed I made was a loft bed - this was done soon after our daughter was born.  I wanted to create a fun playscape for my son’s room along with some storage and a sleeping space.  This idea came together pretty quickly after surveying the space.  It was fun because I didn’t have to design many details.  It uses a open shelf cabinet, a horizontal stud-ledge along the wall, and a single floor-to-ceiling post as the framework.  Using plain framing studs, I fastened it together with screws and small brackets.  There’s a secret room where I eventually will install an LCD TV screen with remote cameras for observation - I don’t know if I’ll ever get to that.  One other neat detail is that in the interior is finished with blackboard paint.  Unfortunately, I tend to lose interest in these projects as they get 80 to 90 percent done.  More details can be seen at my Flickr set.

So this week, I finally finished my daughter’s bed.  This is a freestanding design that could hold two mattresses like a bunk bed.  However, the loft is mainly intended to be a play area.  My daughter’s requirements were simply for a “castle bed” but CreativeDad couldn’t just settle for a castle.  I mean, we’d have to sell it or give it away in a few years when she was tired of it.  No, my requirements were that she should be able to use this bed through high school - maybe even take it with her when she moves out.  The other requirement was that it should be able to be redecorated into different looks or themes.

To satisfy the latter requirement, I searched for tintable chalkboard paint.  Lo and behold, there is one manufacturer for such a thing AND they also make a magnetic primer.  I decided to use both.  With the chalkboard surface, we can redecorate the bed whenever needed.  Of course, it rubs off but there’s always the opportunity to draw and paint with chalk.  The magnetic surface is not as successful but I’ll reserve judgement - I haven’t purchased enough of the proper magnets to experiment with this more.  I’ll post separately about the construction and finishing details.  This project was not simple and, again, I had several challenges.

As my daughter grows, the upper loft is designed to be raised higher to allow for more space underneath.  The lower bed platform could be stored away and a desk installed underneath the loft (assuming the mattress moves up into the loft).  Or the upper loft can be used as storage, hidden by curtains hung from the ceiling.

Molly is very proud of her bed and Dad is very happy she is happy.  It took me months to birth a design - my design ideas require some time to ripen and this one took longer than usual.  Add to that, a broken leg that held up my painting of the components by 3 months.

My daughter just handed me an ant.  “I’M STILL ALIVE!” screams the ant.  She treats it like a pet.

Around my house, the ants are mild cousins to those I grew up tormenting in West Texas.  We did have these cute little black beetles that I’d pick up and then flick off their heads.  But that’s another story.

Where?

It’s easy for me to assume that everyone has access to a wild or semi-wild spot of nature.  But I know that folks living in dense cities don’t have it as easy.  Hopefully there’s a good park or empty lot nearby.

The best places to explore are chaotic. It’s too easy to ignore stuff when everything appears orderly and clean.  Plus, clean places don’t have any interesting objects to find.

My wife and I once took care of a friend’s children while they were passing through town.  They stayed at a residential hotel in a still developing commercial area.  Behind the hotel was 10 acres of empty land that had been torn up a few times.  Slabs of concrete, grass and weeds, ant hills - a great place to explore.  Our son was probably 2 years old, the other kids 6 and 11.  We had a much better time wandering the wasteland than watching TV in the hotel room.

If you don’t have a “messed up” place to explore, you can still use playgrounds and manicured parks - you just have to look more closely to see the chaos.

How?

“How?” may sound like a stupid question - just wander around, right?  If you just wander around, you’ll miss most of what your child sees.  They’re much closer to the ground than you and have a different viewpoint.  Everyone loses that viewpoint as they grow taller.  As you wander the wilderness, shift your viewpoint to your kid’s level and see the diversity and interestingness of the ground, the plants, the rocks, the bugs.

What?

I was lucky as a child growing up to a large expanse of desert.  In fact, the several hundred acres across the street were once a U.S. Army artillery firing range, cleared of live ordnance.  We’d still find rocket fins and nose cones, grenade clips, shell casings, 50mm bullets (yes, 2-inch diameter iron bullets that weighed about 1 or 2 pounds each - still don’t know what weapon or ordnance used those), regular rifle bullets and casings.  Somehow we managed to stay away from anything unexploded although every year, it seemed, we’d hear about a kid getting injured by live ammunition found in the desert around the city.

This was a huge playground for the neighborhood.  Being the desert, we had lots of bushes and no trees.  Since it was also a firing range, there were many craters which served as “foxholes”.  They weren’t really deep enough to hide people but they certainly aided our imaginations.

An occasional rainstorm is fascinating if you’ve never lived in the desert.  Dry gulches come alive as small trickles and quickly evolve into raging torrents.  You can’t keep kids away - building dams, throwing rocks, following the short-lived streams to the larger flood-control ditches.  A few days after the rain, the once-dormant frogs crawl out of the mud, lay eggs, and then comes an explosion of tadpoles and new frogs.

Artifacts

Any man-made object is an artifact.  Often, you’ll wonder how the stuff got there.  Ask your kids to speculate before offering an explanation. If there’s trash, come prepared with a bag to pick things up (unless you’re exploring the community dump).  I almost think artifacts in the wild make for a more interesting outing than a purely natural setting.

Natural objects

Water is so integral to our souls that we are drawn to it no matter where we live. A simple puddle calls to achild to jump in it.   Help your kids observe the constant change happening in the water and along the edges.  There’s not a lot of advice to offer here -  it all comes naturally.

Of course, large trees and rocks are made for climbing.  But don’t ignore the stuff close to the ground.  Turning over rocks and logs is an easy way to see deeper into nature.  Kids love finding interesting objects to collect and take home.  Even uninteresting rocks can be collected and painted later.

I think my dad taught me how to collect magnetite (”iron filings”) from the desert sand with a magnet.  Repeating that lesson with my own kids recently, I took them to a local dry gulch and we collected about quarter-pound of it to play with at home.

A way to discover new places to explore is to think about edges and boundaries.  The beach, the stream, the empty lot and the street.  These are the places that are more active because they are more diverse naturally and unnaturally (because of man-made stuff).

Wildlife

Another thing that would come out after the desert rain were the desert tortoises.  They weren’t abundant but we came across them a few times.  Snakes were also few unless you counted the dead ones in the road.  Rabbits, quail, and roadrunners were pretty common.  We’d rarely see any of these in our yard.

We’d collect tadpoles and release them in the yard after their tails disappeared.  I spent hours watching and tormenting ants - I was “The Ant Bully” in real life.  Digging the mound with a stick (even better when I found a short piece of rebar), whacking alarmed inhabitants to death, and performing live burials with a recently tossed beer can.

Outside of our natural hostility towards insects, kids love to observe and collect wildlife.  It seems so easy these days to buy a butterfly kit - how many kids do you know now have seen and can identify a chrysalis in the wild?  Get your kids out to see the real diversity of plants and wildlife no matter where you go.

Solo Exploration

Either alone or with my buddies, I’m amazed at how far from home we wandered as kids.  40 years ago, we didn’t worry as much about strangers, predators, and safety.  Still, I encourage my son and his friends to explore down by the creek.  As a parent, I worry about this but I can’t imagine a childhood without discovery and exploration.

Start exploring places close to home with your kids.  This will allay fears for both you and your kids.  Then encourage them to return there on their own or with their friends.  Ask them to bring things back from their expeditions.  Make maps.  Tell stories.